Textationships – am I right?
With all the complicated types of relationships we have out there, my friends, unfortunately technology has allowed us to create one more. That’s right: I’m talking about the dreaded “textationship”.
Don’t get me wrong here: technology has improved our lives in many ways, and keeps us connected with those we’re distanced from. However, if we’re not using it wisely, this can come with a detriment to healthy human relationships.
Getting caught in a “textationship”
It can feel so easy, can’t it? Seeing the words “I love you” on the screen of your phone and allowing yourself to feel the warmth that comes with it. The joy that comes with it. The validation that comes with it.
But, we need to remind ourselves that, as nice as those words might seem to be, texting takes the least effort of all forms of human communication. It doesn’t require the emotional effort of being in physical proximity to another person. And it also doesn’t require the feelings that come with seeing the other person’s response in real time. It is much easier to express complex things over text than over the phone, let alone face-to-face with another person. These beautiful words can seem like a dream as they come up with that “ping!” on your phone, but sometimes we need to check ourselves and simply ask, “Do these words match the effort that this other person is investing in me?” And, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news when I say, if the answer is “No” then we have a problem.
I fell into this trap myself in 2021.
So, what is a “textationship” anyway?
One of my favorite podcasters, Case Kenny, who runs the mindset podcast “New Mindset Who ‘Dis?” did an episode in Oct 2021 that opened my eyes to the possibility that I may have been in one. In the episode, he describes a “textationship” as: “A relationship where two people are texting, but one person only texts and never makes any effort to see you.” He goes on to add, “They are all talk, they’re no action.” I think that’s a pretty accurate description of what I experienced.
If you would like to listen to Case’s episode on this, check out his show link below on Spotify, and look for episode “335 – No more “textationships”. (Note: We are not affiliated, I’m just a big fan of his that loves to share his show! It’s personally helped me tremendously!)
Additional Definitions of a “textationship”
Urban Dictionary describes it as: “A friendly, romantic, sexual or intimate relationship, either brief or long-term, between two people whereby text messaging is utilized as the primary form of communication throughout”. Source: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=textationship
Sound familiar? You may want to think twice about continuing communication with this person unless they match their words with their effort. Because you deserve someone that treats you the way that you want them to. You deserve someone that meets your needs in a relationship. Anything less is a waste of your time. Especially while a person who is right for you is out there waiting!
Let me tell you my personal story with this; it will probably help you feel better if you’re experiencing it too (and if you are – you are not alone!).
Falling into the trap
My relationship with my ex ended much the same as many others did; during the turmoil of the beginning of the pandemic. He moved out of my apartment and the time after was strange for me. I was suddenly available again and that energy brought me a bit attention from others. One of my old coworkers surfaced on Facebook messenger. We started chatting and after a few days he admitted that he’d had a crush on me for a long time. We exchanged phone numbers and after a few weeks, scheduled a date.
Before our date I had tried to get him to call me, but he made an excuse and slipped out of the commitment. I wish I had caught that red-flag then, but, after a long-term relationship, my radar for that sort of thing was weak.
Text vs. Reality
Our date was awful. Because we were in the beginning of the pandemic the only thing to do was to hang out as his place, which I had to make the effort to come to as we were in separate towns and he had no car or license (rolling your eyes at me yet?). He also made no effort to clean and I got bit by his dog (she was being playful, but it still left a bruise). Needless to say, I took the bottle of wine he’d gifted me and ran. I also remember saying to myself, “NEVER go back there”, and, thankfully, I never have, but I used him as an emotional crutch long after that.
We fell out of communication for a while, but also fell back into it. We had nearly constant communication, especially after my move to Vancouver when I needed a friend. Over text he was lovely, vulnerable, and he made me feel close to him. I used this as justification for why we kept in contact. And I felt like I needed him, even though we never heard each other’s voice. I also couldn’t see the fact that I was using this to fill the void of loneliness that came with my move.
Falling further
Through my blindness, I let it get worse. Along came the additional excitement of sexting, which provided a dopamine hit every time I heard my phone go off. I was too enthralled with this mask of communication to see that we were simply using each other. This continued for a while. We payed rent in this comfort zone of texting and didn’t want to move out. That is, until I wanted to get closer.
I started to ask variations of the question, “What are we?” with no clear answer from him. Eventually we settled on the awkward label of “lovers” and that’s when he pulled away. While he’d answer within a minute or two when we first started our “textationship”, he started taking hours, then days to respond. Finally, I got frustrated and passive aggressively sent something ending in, “All the best” before I held my ground through several months of silence.
“I love you…” but not enough to call you…
He came back, months later, begging for forgiveness and spewing excuses better than the Crown Fountain in Chicago spews its water. I portrayed the seriousness of how he’d hurt me in essay long texts, but I still caved and accepted him back. And, even worse it went. He started to give me the minimal energy of texting again, so I slowly started trusting him again. I started to touch upon taking things more seriously in our relationship, and then out came those three words. Like magic. I love you.
The feeling of joy that came with those words was too good for me to admit the cheapness that they came by text. I de-valued myself just to feel that joy, which is something I will never do again. It almost horrifies me to admit that now, because I know I am worthy of much more. I abandoned myself to let him use me, and it was a hard lesson to learn.
Giving with no return
Needless to say, the rest isn’t a story of strength. I soon started giving too much (letters, gifts etc.) just to feel worthy of receiving that cheap effort back through text. The worst part is, I instinctually knew I was doing wrong to myself, but that feeling of joy was like a drug.
Once again, I started asking for more effort in return. We arranged a phone call on my birthday, but (shocker), it was me who had to call him. I asked for another call on Christmas Day (my birthday is close to then), but it never came, and all I received was days of silence instead. My fake, cheap, little, world of love came crashing down with the realization that people call the people they love on Christmas. It’s the one day of year where that isn’t optional, and he wasn’t even willing to give that minimal effort. It turned my whole Christmas holiday into a feeling of desolation and idiocy.
Of course, the best lessons are quite often the harshest.
Easy come, easy go…
It seemed so easy! And it seemed so effortless! We connected on a deeper level! But, here’s the thing: relationships do not exist without effort. I let things slide for so long just so I could provide him my energy in the form of sexy texts! Energy that he fed on greedily until I started asking for energy in return that he fought tooth-and-nail not to give back. Then, guess what? Off he goes.
After I realized my mistakes, and what I’d done to myself, I made it hard for myself to contact him again. I deleted his number from my phone, and blocked him from my social media accounts. I will never speak to him again, because I will never de-value myself again.
This isn’t a space I’ve created for myself to rant about this, as much as it seems that way. This is a cautionary tale. I don’t want others to get caught in the same trap. Luckily, though, if you are; ending it is as easy as starting it. You need only send them a text to wish them the best and move on (for good).
Set yourself free!
If they can’t even call you, let alone make the effort to schedule time with you, then it’s time to make the cut, my friend. It sounds harsh to say, but, it isn’t real. Don’t waste your valuable time and energy any longer. The right people will make those moves for you; real phone connections, real in person connections, real quality dates. Your person/people are waiting for you! So never let anyone use you for your energy without giving investment in return, even if it’s just a text (or a few). You are much too worthy for that!
I’d like to end on a quote from my favorite dating coach, Matthew Hussey. He often says: “Learn to identify the wrong person, so you can get to the right person faster.” Simple, yet powerful. Because once you realize that the time you’re giving this person is sacrificing not only your love for yourself, but your love for your future right person, you’ll have no problem deleting that “textationship”.
Carpe vitam!
